Friday, June 7, 2013

The May Chronicle (Part 8)

After all these years, my defense:


Why am I doing this?  Like I said in the very first paragraph, I’m not writing this mainly to hit on people.  This is my side of the story.  Nobody heard from me during those times.  They just saw me months after the dis-fellowship, attending an event in the church.  About that one, that was an understandable, yet sad experience.  The shunning was applied to me.  Here, I have no angry feelings to them, especially at the majority of the present at that event.  After all, for most of them back then, it is their proof of zealousness and obedience.  Their motivation is not mainly Biblical, but rather institutional obedience.  This is not uncommon.  It’s not blind obedience though.  Instead, it is more of giving respect to the elders, both in faith and by age.  I believe that some of the youngsters and even elders alike don’t have an antagonistic attitude on my situation nor do these people have axes to grind on me.  However, as part of their way of showing their loyalty and obedience to God, they will follow what was said to them. 


There are words that say that it is I who hold on to the relationship and she’s the one who is giving up.  That is PARTIALLY correct.  Yes, she said to me more than twice that she wants to break up with me.  However, before she mentioned those words, a year before that (I forgot the timeline) it is I who wanted to break up with her.  She said yes…but she said she will expose what we are doing (the fornication) to both her Pastor and my Pastor.  In other words, one of the reasons, aside from love then, why I am sticking to this relationship is FEAR of SCANDAL that she or the one she shared these things will do.  Eventually, I WAS NOT MISTAKEN.  I wanted to give up the relationship and told her Pastor and his wife about it, BUT she squealed the act that we BOTH did when things are not going her way.  Her more-than-twice request of break up occurred MONTHS OR A YEAR AFTER SHE STATED HER BLACKMAIL TO ME.  During those times, she leaving me means she will also squeal what we BOTH did (you know what is crazy about this?  People are biting this like putting me a villain in this particular topic; the acts were consensual.  No one must ever be a villain in kind of act.  Particularly yours truly, I never forced her to do this.  I never even manipulated her to do this.  I just don’t want to dig deeper for WOMAN-kind will not understand. I must not even talk about this part in the first place.  Then, she will cry foul when things don’t go her way?).  Like I said, I was never mistaken: when I gave up, she squealed. 


I know of men and women who never squealed the fault of their ex’s or the people who brought them down.  No decent and women   In fact, there are women who were battered girlfriends/wives, yet when they left their man you’ll not hear them squeal.  Instead, they moved forward and loved another one.  Why?  Because deep down, they believe that they used to love each other.  I do believe that if you truly loved the person in the first place, you’ll not squeal even delicate ones and eventually use it against him.  Your love to that person is questionable if you do just that.  If you do just that, even if the person used to love you, if that attack is going below the belt because of lies, exaggerations, and vocal unforgiving attitude, he will have no option but to defend back.  If a person is pushed to the wall so hard and he feels that the pushing will not end, he has no option but to push back.  In the human sense of the word, I loved and gave my best to her.  I defended her. I gave her the best that I could give.  In other words, I did my very best to make that relationship work.  In my defense, let me tell you that I remained totally silent for a year after I left her, trying to fix my life, attending another church and things like that.  However, when they told her Pastor (which eventually I told to my Pastor) that they’re not ready to forgive me, and they don’t want me back YET, that settled my resolve.  Yes, people knew.  I shared it to some people…years after that.  Most church folks did not know my story until I was finally allowed to return.  If she has all the rights to share it and put me as a villain, then I have the right to share my own side of the story.  In fact, if you have witnessed how I shared it, you’ll have mixed emotions.  You’ll either hate me or sympathize with me.  Why?  I also admitted to my share of mistakes.

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