Monday, June 3, 2013

The May Chronicle (Part 6)

After almost 3 years after being dis-fellowshipped, I was allowed to return.  Now, normally, in an ecclesiastical setting, the term used on this is, “the brother/sister finally returned”.  Honestly, until now, I don’t accept the term.  Why?  Because what really happened to me is, “the brother was finally ALLOWED to return.”  Now, let me try to explain this.  The first term implies that I have a choice.  Am I rebelling to the church?  No.  I never disrupted any ministry and activities in the church, except for the leadership vacuum that I created because I suddenly disappeared.  I am and made myself accountable in the ENTIRETY of those acts, when in reality, half of it must be shared by her.  I accepted the disciplinary action and even the retroaction (not allowed to get in the church and also not being married inside the church auditorium after being restored in the fellowship.  Again, I am not angry when I mentioned this.  She even told things to some church people what I said to them behind my back.  She called me hypocrite…even until now.  Hypocrite?  The way she’s depicting herself at being given the traditional exit tribute).  Martyr?  Any martyrdom on her part is hypocrisy.  It’s her stubbornness that caused most of the situations.  For example, I told her not to work very far from her town and I will be the one doing the visit.  What did she do?  She insisted that she wanted to work at Manila and, according to her, it is her sacrifice.  Sacrifice…also at my expense.  She never accepted the things that I say.  She’ll only accept it when her control freak attitude will become obvious for the public to see.  She asserts herself too much.  I’m not asking for too much.  I am only asking for two things: to understand me.  I didn’t get the understanding that I needed.  If she did, she will not strongly convince me to resign in teaching.  She will understand that she met .  I am not a demanding person, not even the jealous type (actually, she’s the one provoking me to be jealous, even to the point of telling me the details of the “act” of the other guys).  Especially when she got the leverage, she made it see who decides better, who has better strategy, who can do things better, who knows how to negotiate prices better, etc…in which, I DIDN’T EVEN BOTHER.  For the person who sincerely loves a person, WHO is better between both of them is never a big deal. 


Recently, I made a written apology to my ex-girlfriend, at the urging of her Pastor, who suggested it in good faith.  At first, I am hesitant.  In fact, when I mentioned the apology, my loved ones said that it is no longer necessary.  Not only that, she’s now married and she has a daughter.  I don’t want to disturb her quiet life.  Now, I admit that I apologized only for my own share of mistakes that I committed.  I didn’t apologize for ALL THAT HAD HAPPENED.  Why?  Because the truth is this: it’s both our fault.  I mentioned it in the previous paragraph.  Am I being bitter in all of this?  No.  Unfortunately, the apology was taken wrongly as an “explanation”.  Maybe she wanted me to apologize FULLY.  It can be done actually, for peace and quiet’s sake, but I decided not to do it.    I can’t apologize for the things that she did to me.  I may have said this many times, but hypothetically, that relationship may not have been a tragedy if she just followed the things that I have said.  However, she wanted to handle the relationship HER way, not OUR way (please, some of you may, “I should have handled it GOD’s way;    I only consider myself PARTLY responsible in all of this.  Why not?  Most, if not all, of her hardships in our relationship is the by-product of her decisions.  In fact, I disagreed with some of them, but she insisted. 


She’s so unforgiving.  She had not forgiven me as of this writing.  She was a control freak in our relationship.  My family didn’t hear anything from me regarding this.  How come it will be my fault ENTIRELY when in the majority of our relationships, I allowed myself to be controlled by her?  Therefore, she is partly responsible.  Until now, this is my position.  Misery loves company?  First, my current life is better than before.  Second, it’s not me wanting to blame others totally; it’s her blaming me in MOST, if not ALL the wrong things that happened to our relationship.   She said that real apologies are done in person.  She was right, but after all the things that she did to me, looks like it’s already too much.  She stepped upon me more than enough.  She CAPITALIZED and EXAGGERATED what I did wrong, but she minimized and rationalized her own shares of mistakes, sometimes even denying them.  She is not a martyr during our relationship.  Call me proud, but imagine, asking forgiveness to someone who not only will not forgive, but also will CAPITALIZE on your offense by saying dirty words to you?  I have done my part.  I wish I could have done it better than writing, but I think it will do more harm than good on my part.  What she will do and say after this apology, I believe, is all hers, not mine.


She was treated well by my family despite their initial dislike to her.  It is not hypocrisy; it is decency and being Christian enough.  I’m urging her to attend some outings whenever her coworkers are inviting her.  It is her who didn’t.  I’ll not mention the details of my family’s good deeds.  Despite this, she’s unforgiving, not only to me but also to those that didn’t act in her favor.  She has no sense of accountability.  I did the PUBLIC apology ALONE.  ALONE.  In an act of cruelty, she implied that my public apology is not enough since according to her, I didn’t have premarital sex with my church, but to her.  She even added that I deserved to be hurt.  Actually, when she said just that, I felt that a personal apology is no longer needed.  Indeed, there are people that don’t deserve your time anymore.  This is not hate.  This is reality. After all what she recently said, it’s no longer appropriate for me to apologize.  In fact, it is more appropriate for her to apologize to me.  Since day one of my dis-fellowship, it was apparent that she wanted more than my apology.  However, I will no longer force it.  Maybe she loved me less right from the start.  After all, if she loved me, then it will never be hard for her to admit her own share of mistakes.  Ultimately, I felt more relieved when I apologized to her even if the outcome is not what I wanted.  I don’t know why.

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