Monday, May 27, 2013

The May Chronicle (Part 2)

Why I clung in all this for two years?  Two reasons: belief that she will eventually change and something happened between us.  What about the second one that I mentioned?  I’ll not give the circumstances in details, but the thing is this: WE committed pre-marital sex.  I’ll never justify myself using sob stories.  That one is so wrong, BUT the act is consensual.  BOTH of us WILLFULLY did it.  Too bad that’s all I can say.  Being raised and is an active Christian youth leader then, I have no peace of mind in all of this.  However, this kind of sin is like a chain, especially if the other party does not share your concern.  Normally, it is a welcome idea that the other party is not giving up, but in my case, she’s not giving up, yet she doesn’t want to give up certain things, but she wanted to give up things.  It’s a one way traffic.  She depicted me as a jealous type, but life events will tell you that it’s the other way around.  I verbally said that I wanted it over, but she put the “experience” as leverage.  “Leave me, I’ll tell your Pastor”.  It then became blackmail.  To those in the fundamental circle or in hyper fundamental circle, you somehow have an idea: “you did it, marry the person. 

If you don’t want to marry the person, you’ll be dis-fellowshipped.  That is only form of repentance acceptable in case like this.”  In our church, dis-fellowshipped means that you will not be a ‘part of the body”.  The exaggerated term is that you are kicked out of that church.  If you happened to be seen by them, there’s a high chance that you’ll not be greeted deliberately because.  Because of this possibility or near-inevitability, Being a private person, but I didn’t lose hope in that relationship.  “Things will go fine.  These are all trials.  She will eventually change.  Maybe it’s all ENTIRELY my fault.  Because of this, I will just change for the better.”  That was my mind set.   However, as days go by, she becomes meaner and meaner.  Just like any decent person, I wanted the misunderstandings as private as possible.  IT IS NOT HYPOCRISY; I just tried to be as decent as possible.  Unfortunately, I was not given the kind of decency.  She will make it appear that we’re “at war”.   Like a typical boyfriend, I wanted to end the day, with our misunderstandings settled or just have the decency not to make it appear that we are not on good terms if the problem or conflict can’t be solved in one day.  In order to do that, usually, I just leave her boarding house to avoid further fights…only to be provoked by her going to the place where I have my usual activities (church usually).  There, she’ll make it appear that we are “at war”.  She’ll not talk to me.  She’ll have that sarcastic stare.  You know the church atmosphere; they feel it.  Actually, back then, I felt that she will not stop until I am provoked or got so angry.  I somehow proved it many times.  Here’s an example: one time, I told her that I’ll be very busy at the youth event that I could not accommodate her during the event itself (not before the event).  I told her this 2 to 3 times days before the event itself, much to her annoyance because she finds it repetitive.  Suddenly, a day or two before the event, she asked if I can fetch her an hour before the event.  She even strongly suggested me that I can be late in the event itself, which I disagreed for obvious reason (I was one of the organizers).   Looking back, I think she willfully didn’t understand what I am talking about.  Not accommodating means that I can’t also fetch her (the Tagalog term I used is “maaasikaso”.  It means more than accommodation; it means to go to details like fetching and stuff).  Besides, when I told her that, she should have given me a room for understanding.  After all, we’re seeing each other every day, to the point of me going home at around 10pm or 11pm.  Over the phone, she got angry, and didn’t talk to me.  I tried soothing her but I can’t.  She’s too strong; she acts like a martyr when in crowd, but literally, I suffered the beating.   Even during those events, as one of the organizers, she did what is deemed.  This is all because WE committed fornication.  She made a fool out of me.  She used that sin of ours (not only mine, but ours), putting as solely my fault for her to do things that she wanted.  There are times that she will cry because she’s too tired of me.  However, I am very much willing to give it up, but what is the price?  Her blackmail plus her tears that will break any sincere Pastor’s heart!  Unknown to them, however, she somehow has no regard to certain authority figures.  It is evident on how she is so angry at my Youth Director (my immediate boss) on ending the Youth Leader’s meeting at around 10 or 11.  All the good deeds and sacrifices that I made and also her cruel mistakes to me are eventually covered…PLAINLY BECAUSE WE COMMITTED FORNICATION.  This is her leverage. 

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