Friday, November 22, 2013

Prostitutes and gold diggers, and why I prefer to befriend the first one (Last Part)

Some of you may think that this writer is being unfair on people who demonstrated gold digging attitudes.  You don’t need to be smart to figure it out.  Maybe you’ll lay down stories upon stories why gold diggers become gold diggers to understand where they are coming and why they are doing it.  However, let us not forget that most of us ignore or don’t know the fine line between prostitution and gold digging.  For some, this can be considered as an alternate perspective that most of us may have ignored.  In addition, the views that were written in this multiple-part article are not an official viewpoint of the church that the writer is affiliated.  Most probably, the views that were just written may not be a common view or opinion of the members of the church that this writer is affiliated.  This can be disagreed, ridiculed, rebutted, or worst among all, ignored entirely.  If this happens, it is their right and must be respected, just like the way the views that were written here must also be respected.

 

Despite the beating that gold diggers received, there is a reality that both prostitution and being a gold digger is a sin.  The root gold digging is covetousness.  Prostitution, in my opinion, stems from fornication and adultery.  However, what makes a prostitute better than gold diggers is something that is mentioned during the first part of this article: that they know that they are doing the wrong thing.  Just like the publican in the parable of the Pharisee and the Publican, Jesus Christ didn’t praise the public for his actions and past deeds (NO WAY!); he was praised for his humble acknowledgment that he is a sinner.  The publican is so humble he can’t even look up at heaven.  Gold diggers are more like the Pharisees; they brag what they do right, like being generous but ignores what they do wrong – gold digging.

 

Both the prostitutes and gold diggers, at the end of the day, are totally depraved individuals who need God’s grace in order to be saved and for their lifestyles to end.  Meaning, they are just like the rest of us.  May God’s grace and our healthy acknowledgment of our own limitations and shortcomings surround us!

Prostitutes and gold diggers, and why I prefer to befriend the first one (Part 4)

5) Prostitutes don’t want to have kids, while gold diggers, on certain extent, really wanted to have kids. Okay, before you react, let me explain that first sentence.  Prostitutes, contrary to the popular belief, don’t want to have children.  Why?  For starters, it’s another mouth to feed.  It’s a headache because of their line of work.  After all, they go out at night and went home early the next morning.  Normally, they have no one to take care of their kids.  Even if she has a husband/live-in partner (who normally doesn’t know her activity), maternal instinct will kick in.  In addition to that, she is fully aware of what will happen if other people in her community found out about her job.  Chances are, their kids will be scolded, bullied, harassed by some people, calling them names, even if the parent’s sin will not automatically be their children’s.  I do believe that this one plays in their mind.  Being maternal themselves, most hookers don’t want kids to drag in their own trouble, unless she loses her morality drastically.  On the practical side, getting pregnant will leave them jobless for at least 6 months.  This is bad for her job.  Plus, having kids will have problems with their figure.  Bad body figure? Expect her price to be cheaper than before.

 

Gold diggers, on the other hand, really want to have kids, or at least one, to their partner, be it her husband, boyfriend, or benefactor.  THE CHILD SERVES AS HER LEVERAGE TO HER PARTNER WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH AND HER TICKET FOR A BETTER LIFE IF EVER HER PARTNER STARTED TO DESPISE HER WHEN SHE GETS OLD OR ANY OTHER REASON.   A BABY IN HER TUMMY IS ANOTHER GOLD DIGGING OPPORTUNITY.  Never wonder if ever baby comes first before marriage, or maybe, no marriage will ever take place.  For diggers, she hits the jackpot if the baby turns out to be a girl, because the “gold digging legacy” continues.  After all, some have a mindset that if she grows up and find a man that is well-off, well, you know, I don’t need to mention the details.

 
6) Prostitutes leave prostitution in a faster rate than gold diggers leave their gold digging attitude.  Prostitutes, because of their fast shelf life in the “industry”, retire early.  Because of their continuous hazards and risks, most, if not all, quit in their late 30s or at most, late 40s (there is a documentary that this writer watched about 2 years ago or more that deals with prostitutes who are certified grandmothers, but that was a different story and a rarity).  If they are not sick or dead, they either become pimps (or the handler) or they work and start a family.  Some even go back to school to finish their formal education.

 

If unrepentant of her ways, the gold digger’s mentality doesn’t really die down with age.  After all, especially if a gold digger got married to a “jackpot”, all they’ll do is just give what her clueless male partner wants (that will not jeopardize her cover) until she can finally get her fortune.  If left unchecked, sometimes, it makes them better gold diggers.   Gold diggers, if ever they stop doing so, focus on their kids if ever they have one.  Some even had created a more subtle approach.  Sad as it seems, in some cases, the true color only shows upon the death of her rich, clueless husband/partner. 

Friday, November 8, 2013

Prostitutes and gold diggers, and why I prefer to befriend the first one (Part 3)


3)      Prostitutes ask directly for money with your consent, while gold diggers swipe you under your noses.  You don’t have to go to meet a prostitute to know this one.  Prostitutes will give you her price IF you ask her.  If you don’t like the price or if you don’t want the service or that act to begin with, she’ll just turn her back on you and go to her next potential salivating costumer.  Thanks to the internet, other costumers will just ask for her.  Simple as that.  Well, you may get mad because your carnal urge was not satisfied, but at least you’re out of trouble and out of further stress in the quickest time possible. 

 

Gold diggers, on the other hand, are getting money from you right under your noses.  It doesn’t have to be only for her consumption.  After all, one of the motivations of gold diggers is to help their own family.  Gold diggers say they’re helping their family, but in reality, it is mostly her husband/boyfriend/sugar daddy/benefactor who help her family WITHOUT HIS KNOWLEDGE.  Some men are quick enough to see this, others, unfortunately, are not.

 

 

 

 

 

4)      Prostitutes are not self-righteous, but gold diggers look down on prostitutes, even if they are similar.  Prostitutes know that what they are doing is wrong.  Period.  Yes, they talk loud, they make fun of their activity, but it is all for a show.  Let us remember they have to be strong or sometimes show a tough exterior because they know they are looked down.   Yes, they lie to hide their profession at times, but most probably, because they don’t want their personal marred up.  Usually, the lying happens when the prostitute decided to retire and want to have a decent family or a decent job.  For some reasons, it is not even lying if you’ll look at it closely.  In my opinion, in this situation, it only becomes a lie when somebody asks her, but if no one’s asking, it is not lying.  A prostitute doesn’t want to go to church, but some does and makes a confession.  They know that despite of the flaws of religions, its leaders, and followers, they still acknowledge the church or the temple as a place of worship and holiness. If a prostitute, or even a pimp, came across a Christian or a “good boy” persona, they’ll show you a big amount of respect by going away from Mr. Christian guy.  In fact, the pimps and hookers feel who the good guys are by just looking.      

 

 

Gold diggers tend to be self-righteous.  They have an “at least I’m not a Nazi” attitude.  Because of self-righteousness, they resort by lying their way out whenever they are confronted.  Sometimes, they are fault finders, basically because they themselves are very flawed and are hiding it.  They look down at prostitutes and say that at least they’re not like them.  Bluntly?  In my opinion, they are worse than them because of self-righteousness and deceit.  Gold diggers can come in to churches unaware.  Because they are not prostitutes, and some more clever diggers shut their mouth inside the church, they even pass as good church attenders.  With no record of prostitution and especially married gold diggers doing it legally via marriage, their secret is oh-so-safe.  After all, we must mind our own business and not meddle with married couple problems, right? 

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Prostitutes and gold diggers, and why I prefer to befriend the first one (Part 2)

2) Prostitutes are capable of keeping secrets, even if you’re rich and famous, while gold diggers will most probably brag and drop the names of the rich and famous that she knows.   We are somehow familiar with this.  Especially high end prostitutes, they have high end clients.  Name it. Politicians. Movie stars. Businessmen.  However, more often than not, you’ll be surprised that they’ll not disclose the names of their clients.  If you paid them for their service, you’ll see them gone.  If you paid them cheap, you’ll hear foul words or even bash your head, but definitely, you’ll not hear a word from them.  Rahab is one of the best examples of a prostitute capable of keeping secrets (although Josephus said that she is an inn keeper and Rashi said that she is a food seller.  However, I do believe that food selling was her day job and possibly a slang or front for her night job as a prostitute.  The epistles James and Hebrews also mentioned that she is a harlot).  Yes, she requested that she and her loved ones be spared if Joshua and his army attack Jericho, which is a normal thing to do if you give out information to spies.  However, you’ll see that, when the two spies went into hiding because men are searching for them, Rahab never squealed (Read Joshua 2), and these two spies are not even rich and famous.

 

 
Gold diggers, on the other hand, love to be identified with the rich and the famous.  Some gold diggers may sound humble, but are more of humble-brags than humble ones.  They’ll mention the places that they went.  When they are at malls, they are usually the hot tempered, irritable ones to a saleslady or a cashier, and Mr. Rich-and/or-Famous is the nice, quiet one.  However, on a negative note, gold diggers tend to go nasty when they don’t get what they have: they drop names of their benefactor in broad daylight, especially if the benefactor is a married one.  They’ll drag down their names.  If the gold digger is smart, she will use the occasion to damage the rich and famous guy’s reputation.  Some gold diggers will even try to get themselves pregnant when they are in the good situation and use their kid as leverage when the going gets tough.  Sad as it seems, they come to a point that they use their baby as tool for them to go one step further, I mean financially speaking.  I think I’ll not mention further.  But one thing is sure, when the damage was done by gold diggers, not only is the man’s public life scandalized, but his private life is also shattered.  More often than not, their wife will leave them.  If the man is not married, his job and career will be affected if he’ll not pull himself together.  True, no matter how terrible a man’s mistakes and blunders, he can move on, but I tell you, it’s such a headache and heartache before he eventually moves on.  Maybe you’re getting the picture.
 

(To be Continued...)

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Prostitutes and gold diggers, and why I prefer to befriend the first one (Part 1)

We all know what prostitutes do.  Sex for a price.  Gimmick. Walking. Candy. Name it.  Ask for it, but with a price.  What price?  Well, aside from money, the tendency that you’ll get STD. Worse than that, is the mental or literal tag of the squeaky clean ones in the church as if sex outside marriage is the only sin  in the world, and not lying, dividing the brethren, etc.

 

Some are familiar with gold diggers beyond the word itself.  Actually, gold diggers are social climbers to the next level.  However, they go to the extent of having a relationship or even marrying someone just because he or she is rich and famous. 

 

However, why shall I rather make friends with prostitutes rather than social climbers and gold diggers?  Am I out of my mind?  Well, about my insanity, if you define insanity as weird, eccentric, and out of this world, well, I am insane.  However, if you define insanity in its clinical, psychiatric sense, then I am of sound mind, maybe sounder than some of you (as a sound mind doesn’t live their life on the error throwbacks of other people). Here is the list:
 
 
 
1)  For starters, prostitutes know that their job is wrongful in the first place, while gold diggers rationalize or justify their act in a surprising manner.  Because of this, they know and are ready for guys who will treat them wrongfully, plainly because they are whores.  Hence, they tend to speak tough or talk trash, sometimes not because they meant it, but because they have to do it.  It’s their defense or coping mechanism.  After all, we all know how most guys behave when they hire them.  Plus, their job is dangerous on their part also. We’ll not dig into that.  However, since they know that their job is wrong in the first place, they know their place in the society.  In fact, some even go to church for weekly confessions. 

 

Gold diggers, on the other hand, justify in a surprising way why they have to do it.  In fact, their rationalization is so outstanding you might be convinced that their act is not wrong to begin with.  Gold diggers will even resort to manipulation and deception to make it appear that she’s just there because she loves Mr. Rich-and-famous Guy.  Gold diggers will rationalize their act by saying, “at least I don’t sell my body like a whore”.  However, these gold diggers may not have realized (or are aware of it) that they’re making a fool out a man.  Because she compared herself better than prostitutes, chances are, she is also self-righteous.  Because of the self-righteous tendency, they don’t confess their gold digging sins to God, unlike some prostitutes do.   Nowadays, when even churches banner the “love is good, but we need cash” mantra, some girls took this to wrong context (or maybe found a notable ally in this excuse), so they had a relationship and get married to a guy for security, not for love.  Now, what about places with dowry in their culture?  Well, that is another story.   
(to be continued)

Thursday, August 22, 2013

The Satire of Progressive Dynamics of Ecclesiastical-Juvenile Humor

Humor is such a good tool.  It relieves tension on conversation.  It relieves pressure.  The saying that ‘laughter is the best medicine’ has been common place for everyone who speaks and understands English.  In the Christian world, we are quite familiar with Proverbs 17:22, “A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones.  Combining these two popular quotes and becoming a philosophy or principle, humor has been made a powerful tool.  Except you have the “indie” personality or “want to be different” attitude, even in lecture halls or classrooms, we liked teachers and lecturers who have good sense of humor.  Yes, we may justify that those very same teachers and lecturers are intelligent, but humor definitely served as a springboard or an opening act. 

 

Humor is a very powerful tool for the youngsters to understand what you are trying to say.  In fact, it transcends age!  Because of its power, youth oriented organizations, especially those whose organizations have a literal stage, have devised a way to entice the crowd: comical sketches.  Our world seems to be a gloomy and sad place, especially if you are being melancholic about it.  With this in mind, humor is now part of recruitment tool or boosting tool.

 

As youth oriented organizations (especially those with literal stage) exist for quite some time, with humor as one of the tools, the tool itself becomes a chore or a task.  Because of this, we began to put on a show, to bring more youngsters back.  As years go by, the show becomes more complicated, more technologically enhanced or advanced, the humor, this time, becomes a serious business.  Its seriousness is manifested behind the scenes.  How to work on the script, the timing, etc.  Hence, it’s now indeed a show, not an organization.

 

Because of this, the word “corny” and its standard becomes higher and higher.  The youngsters’ taste for humor becomes more and more delicate, like how a connoisseur was.  Hence, a plain feel good humor is now deemed as corny because there are more funny acts to do.  Yes, acts.  Humor is no longer a tool.  It now becomes a standard.  Those who had observed this phenomenon were dubbed serious, kill joys, paranoid.  They are urged to move more.  However, does creating better humor as serious matter in itself?   The word “Boo” has become a commonplace.  More humor. More humor.  All because the tool has become a standard.  Finally, these youngsters grew up eventually, knowing that the tool is a standard, only realizing it wrong too late.  When it is realized, the sad part is the non-admittance that somehow, the humorous tool becomes our standard.

 

Folks, let’s go back why we’re here in the first place.  Our main reason for existence.  Is it for this tool or for something far more better?  Humor is only an aspect of our life.  Is humor our tool or is it now our standard?

Friday, June 21, 2013

The May Chronicle (Last Part)


 

BUT THE MONTH OF MAY FOR ME IS NOT ALL TRAUMATIC, TRAGIC, AND DEPRESSING.  In fact, it has its share memorable, yet positive experience for me, one of the best things that happened to me.  However, it will wait for now. Some people can be mean when they hear stories like this.  They’re acting that they have bigger problems than this “drama”.  I understand and respect those people, BUT I do believe that problems are equal; it is human beings that are not. 

 

In all of this, let it not be said that I’m pointing fingers, blaming people.  If you think that I am hitting anyone here, you’re still in your fish bowl I guess, but I will respect that.  The approach of this chronicle maybe condescending, but I hope that I have mentioned my side. 

 

This chapter of my life will never be forgotten.  In fact, even if I try, it will not go away.  Adding to that are people who will ask you, not because of concern, but because they are being mean.  Some Christians will mention to you Philippians 3:13 not for encouragement but as a “shut up” mechanism.  I am not bitter; I just have what they call a good autobiographical memory.  In all of this, my life continued.  Like I said, I just put these memories in writing.  I saw people forgotten, their side of the story buried with them.  Even with autobiographies and biographies for their defense, they are still forgotten.  Yea, definitely I will be forgotten by my church mates and even by people I have called my friends.  However, let it be known to them that I tried and did my best to give my side.    

 

Thank you very much for reading this with an open heart and mind.        

Thursday, June 20, 2013

The May Chronicle (Part 10)


In a public confession and apology, you will have your onstage exposure for a few minutes, only in a negative light.  After mentioning your name, your face will be on stage for all the present members to see while you are stating your confessions and apologies.  Even new members will witness that, even if they were not yet church members when those things happened.  Some members will attend the church suddenly because they finally will see the “prodigal son”, but some will attend to witness it (another news on their books).  Besides, some people, especially when given the privilege to handle certain levels of authority will make you remember, especially who have axes to grind on you.  Chances are, when not geared properly, there is a retroaction, and I don’t want to put the details of that.  YES, IT MAY BE PART OF CONSEQUENCES, BUT THOSE THINGS INDICATE THAT THERE ARE NO EASY EXITS HERE! Why am I saying this?  From what I heard, prospective and current leaderships don’t want to do public confession quickly even if there is an indication of repentance because they thought it will be a LIGHT THING if public confessions became a common thing.  Wait a second there.  If public confessions and apologies are becoming a common thing, it is no longer an individual problem, but it becomes a church problem.  On the other hand, hypothetically speaking, if public confession and apology becomes a common and light thing, it indicates that something is wrong, NOT with allowing the confessions and apologies, BUT with how the members were taught or oriented every time this disciplinary action is taking place.  Again, doing public apologies and confessions is NEVER an easy exit. 

 

Am I against public confession and apology?  Despite my experience, I am not against it.  In fact, it should be enforced consistently, provided that the act became public or will inevitably become public (in my case, the other side has the tendency to tell it to other people anyway, creating a possible division of opinions).  I will not come to the point of one Bible graduate who mentioned that it is not Biblical, instead of saying that it is a debatable thing.  However, in my personal position (I respect the church’s position by the way) public confession and apology are for those who truly repented of their sins that were publicly known.  Basically, it goes like this: public sin, public apology. Private sin, private apology.  Now, what if the case was not yet known?  Some churches STILL do public apology and confession even if the act was only known to the pastor or both pastors (if BOTH who did the act don’t share same membership).  What is the point of having a disciple without things to make him or her disciplined?  Contrary to the popular belief, a disciplinary action means you put a disciple into order, not punish them.  However, in my opinion, we must stick to the Biblical formula.  I can recommend Dr. Kevin Bauder’s lecture on Biblical Separation to have knowledge of how a church discipline should.  You can even ask your own Pastor, but honestly, in my opinion, the topic of church discipline is a topic that must be discussed by Pastors among their specific circle.   

 

The usual question a typical Filipino, in case of fornication without marriage, is this: what will be the other forms or proofs of repentance?  Now, that is hard to answer without bringing up feelings here.  However, we must know that being a Christian is no easy road in the first place.  There is no shortcut for administering church discipline (this is the reason why I never had a rebellious attitude towards Pastors ad leaders).  Besides, marriage doesn’t equate repentance.  In fact, there are times that it is the other way around.  In addition, we should not even use the church as our “shotgun” to the shotgun marriage that we are coercing.  In my case, going out of that relationship is painful to me, but I have to do it in order not to destroy me and her.

 
I wanted to put verses upon verses on these things, but I would rather accept the beating in the words that I mentioned than God’s Word being blasphemed by haters, critics and indifferent ones.  What is the only possible difference that will rise here?  Nothing will most probably be positively decided.  Worse than that, this can be taken out of context.  If that’s the case, I no longer will care.

Monday, June 10, 2013

The May Chronicle (Part 9)


I didn’t step in that church for almost 3 years not because I am an arrogant, unrepentant person.  Simply put, the church was not allowing me yet all those years, despite my pleadings.  During those years, I made my pleadings that I’ll be allowed foot in the church.  Since they are in the leadership, I respected their decision, BUT this kind of respect was perceived as arrogance, even by some of my loved ones.  I was told that I am being proud that after my pleadings, I decided not to plead anymore.  Now, about being proud and arrogant, I always maintained that accusations of pride and arrogance must not be rebutted.  However, my defense is not against pride and arrogance, but on this matter: where shall I put myself?  Ostracism somehow became a form of discipline.  Yet despite all of this, I respected the leadership even after the restoration, and then I’ll still be called arrogant.  For that one, I’ll just rest my case.

 

 

In all of this, believe it or not, I don’t have any grudges and hatred to my Pastor even until now.  For the nth time, I did this to tell my side of that life story.   This system of disciplinary action has been going on most, if not all, churches under this fellowship.  I can’t blame this fellowship.  In fact, they are not to be blamed entirely.  We were only given a handful of Bible verses on how to handle this situation.  Even if there is a 99.9% chance that one’s interpretation is right on verses regarding church discipline (1 Corinthians 5 for example), human as we are dealing with other human beings, imperfections will eventually arise. It may arise from execution, approach, “technicalities”, terminologies, etc.  Yes, we may argue that God is sovereign and just and the church just did the right thing, however, what we are forgetting is that God uses imperfect people in imperfect circumstances to create a perfect timing of events.  The end does not justify the means; there is a Just and Sovereign God who put order on things that were imperfectly done by US people.  Am I passing the blame?  Nope.  If reading carefully, I have reiterated many times that I’m also fault in all of this, but again, my own share of mistakes.

 

What most people don’t know, in a human sense of the word, is that after a month of not making myself seen in that church, I looked for a nearby church to attend FOR THE MEANTIME.  In fact, some of my non-member relatives are quite skeptical of me attending another “like minded” churches because they fear that there are connections, just like some religions who “directly reports to their central office”.  During those times, I had a “if I perish, I perish” mindset.  Let it not be said that I didn’t find a way for me to grow.  I didn’t do that to avoid the other parts of the disciplinary action.  I did that while waiting for those other parts to be finally executed to me.  What I have in mind is to get back on my feet.  Yes, what I did have consequences.  This is for me trying to be more responsible. 

 

Some people think that by publicly making an apology, it stops there.  Some people think that public confession and apology are easy ticket to go back to normal ecclesiastical life.  In other words, it is just a light thing.  After all, once a person faced the congregation to confess, apologize, and repent, it will be just a year or two of probation (no on stage ministries). This is the very reason why some folks had an idea not to give it right away even the erring member showed signs of repentance.  ONCE AND FOR ALL, please learn from my experience: public confession and apology WILL NEVER EVER BE A LIGHT THING.  Any person who thought that by “just publicly confessing and apologizing”, it’s over and all gone, that person is not thinking really carefully. 

Friday, June 7, 2013

The May Chronicle (Part 8)


After all these years, my defense:

 

Why am I doing this?  Like I said in the very first paragraph, I’m not writing this mainly to hit on people.  This is my side of the story.  Nobody heard from me during those times.  They just saw me months after the dis-fellowship, attending an event in the church.  About that one, that was an understandable, yet sad experience.  The shunning was applied to me.  Here, I have no angry feelings to them, especially at the majority of the present at that event.  After all, for most of them back then, it is their proof of zealousness and obedience.  Their motivation is not mainly Biblical, but rather institutional obedience.  This is not uncommon.  It’s not blind obedience though.  Instead, it is more of giving respect to the elders, both in faith and by age.  I believe that some of the youngsters and even elders alike don’t have an antagonistic attitude on my situation nor do these people have axes to grind on me.  However, as part of their way of showing their loyalty and obedience to God, they will follow what was said to them. 

 

There are words that say that it is I who hold on to the relationship and she’s the one who is giving up.  That is PARTIALLY correct.  Yes, she said to me more than twice that she wants to break up with me.  However, before she mentioned those words, a year before that (I forgot the timeline) it is I who wanted to break up with her.  She said yes…but she said she will expose what we are doing (the fornication) to both her Pastor and my Pastor.  In other words, one of the reasons, aside from love then, why I am sticking to this relationship is FEAR of SCANDAL that she or the one she shared these things will do.  Eventually, I WAS NOT MISTAKEN.  I wanted to give up the relationship and told her Pastor and his wife about it, BUT she squealed the act that we BOTH did when things are not going her way.  Her more-than-twice request of break up occurred MONTHS OR A YEAR AFTER SHE STATED HER BLACKMAIL TO ME.  During those times, she leaving me means she will also squeal what we BOTH did (you know what is crazy about this?  People are biting this like putting me a villain in this particular topic; the acts were consensual.  No one must ever be a villain in kind of act.  Particularly yours truly, I never forced her to do this.  I never even manipulated her to do this.  I just don’t want to dig deeper for WOMAN-kind will not understand. I must not even talk about this part in the first place.  Then, she will cry foul when things don’t go her way?).  Like I said, I was never mistaken: when I gave up, she squealed. 

 

I know of men and women who never squealed the fault of their ex’s or the people who brought them down.  No decent and women   In fact, there are women who were battered girlfriends/wives, yet when they left their man you’ll not hear them squeal.  Instead, they moved forward and loved another one.  Why?  Because deep down, they believe that they used to love each other.  I do believe that if you truly loved the person in the first place, you’ll not squeal even delicate ones and eventually use it against him.  Your love to that person is questionable if you do just that.  If you do just that, even if the person used to love you, if that attack is going below the belt because of lies, exaggerations, and vocal unforgiving attitude, he will have no option but to defend back.  If a person is pushed to the wall so hard and he feels that the pushing will not end, he has no option but to push back.  In the human sense of the word, I loved and gave my best to her.  I defended her. I gave her the best that I could give.  In other words, I did my very best to make that relationship work.  In my defense, let me tell you that I remained totally silent for a year after I left her, trying to fix my life, attending another church and things like that.  However, when they told her Pastor (which eventually I told to my Pastor) that they’re not ready to forgive me, and they don’t want me back YET, that settled my resolve.  Yes, people knew.  I shared it to some people…years after that.  Most church folks did not know my story until I was finally allowed to return.  If she has all the rights to share it and put me as a villain, then I have the right to share my own side of the story.  In fact, if you have witnessed how I shared it, you’ll have mixed emotions.  You’ll either hate me or sympathize with me.  Why?  I also admitted to my share of mistakes.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

The May Chronicle (Part 7)


Please read the lesson of this article.  Let us not be feministic or macho or “I have no mark of public disciplinary action, why believe in you?” attitude for a while.  Here it is: flee fornication.  Avoid premarital sex if you can.  It’s for your own good and your girlfriend’s good as well.  I’m not being rude to the woman-kind, but let us consider this as a reminder: guys, say “No” even if the girls are the ones doing to the inviting.  The inviting comes in different forms.  The too-close touch.  The sweet “younger sister” approach.  In itself, it’s not wrong, but, like Dr. Kevin Bauder said, “we cannot be too careful.”  In other words, “better safe than sorry”.   Guys and gals, I’m not saying that all women are like this, but if a woman seduced a man, she knows what she is doing, and she knows how to get out of it when the going gets tough.  Be careful guys.  Girls, don’t put yourself in a situation that you’ll look like flirting.  I know women, even unbelieving ladies, who know how to behave well with respect without looking snobbish.  They are friendly, but not flirt.  At the end of the day, girls receive the tapping while guys receive the beating.  Why?  It is because our society works that way. 

 

 

Guys and gals, please, be very careful on the favors that you are granting, even if the person asking the favor is your sweetheart.  No, I’m not saying that you don’t trust your partner.    What I am saying is that if we decided to help a person or granted a person’s requests, we are ready and aware of its consequences.   Because at the end, once your actions are made, especially if these actions are crazy and bad ones, you can’t point your fingers on other people who tricked you in doing things.  After all, it is YOU who did it in the first place.  IN THIS WORLD, MANIPULTORS ARE RARELY ACCOUNTABLE.  The one who DID the act are the ones TOTALLY responsible.  What?!  Conspiracy?  It’s only applicable when someone is murdered.  Standup comedian and actor Vice Ganda said it right when he poked fun on a politician and when people laughed out loud: “Sa tawanan, sama-sama tayo, pero sa barilan AKO NA LANG MAG-ISA?!” (“In laughter, we are together, but when the gun points our way, I’M ALONE?!”)  Sad but true.  Well, I’m not being un-teachable or stubborn or unaccepting with the outcomes; I’m just showing the reality.  This is not only applicable to partners who are engaged in premarital sex.  This is also applicable on money and time management matters.  If it is non-negotiable, say NO.  This is hard, but don’t let guilt trips affect you.  Some people have a nasty habit on stepping on your ego or feeling in an un-Biblical manner when they didn’t get what they wanted.  When that happens, it only indicates that you did the right thing for now.  Besides, if the people are really sincere, the content and circumstances will speak for themselves.

 

There are many details still untold.  For some with long held beliefs on how women and men must deal with things, you will be very much against me.  Despite that, I will never be against someone who had long held beliefs on this matter.  I respect their feelings.  That month of May indeed was so memorable to me.

Monday, June 3, 2013

The May Chronicle (Part 6)


After almost 3 years after being dis-fellowshipped, I was allowed to return.  Now, normally, in an ecclesiastical setting, the term used on this is, “the brother/sister finally returned”.  Honestly, until now, I don’t accept the term.  Why?  Because what really happened to me is, “the brother was finally ALLOWED to return.”  Now, let me try to explain this.  The first term implies that I have a choice.  Am I rebelling to the church?  No.  I never disrupted any ministry and activities in the church, except for the leadership vacuum that I created because I suddenly disappeared.  I am and made myself accountable in the ENTIRETY of those acts, when in reality, half of it must be shared by her.  I accepted the disciplinary action and even the retroaction (not allowed to get in the church and also not being married inside the church auditorium after being restored in the fellowship.  Again, I am not angry when I mentioned this.  She even told things to some church people what I said to them behind my back.  She called me hypocrite…even until now.  Hypocrite?  The way she’s depicting herself at being given the traditional exit tribute).  Martyr?  Any martyrdom on her part is hypocrisy.  It’s her stubbornness that caused most of the situations.  For example, I told her not to work very far from her town and I will be the one doing the visit.  What did she do?  She insisted that she wanted to work at Manila and, according to her, it is her sacrifice.  Sacrifice…also at my expense.  She never accepted the things that I say.  She’ll only accept it when her control freak attitude will become obvious for the public to see.  She asserts herself too much.  I’m not asking for too much.  I am only asking for two things: to understand me.  I didn’t get the understanding that I needed.  If she did, she will not strongly convince me to resign in teaching.  She will understand that she met .  I am not a demanding person, not even the jealous type (actually, she’s the one provoking me to be jealous, even to the point of telling me the details of the “act” of the other guys).  Especially when she got the leverage, she made it see who decides better, who has better strategy, who can do things better, who knows how to negotiate prices better, etc…in which, I DIDN’T EVEN BOTHER.  For the person who sincerely loves a person, WHO is better between both of them is never a big deal. 

    

Recently, I made a written apology to my ex-girlfriend, at the urging of her Pastor, who suggested it in good faith.  At first, I am hesitant.  In fact, when I mentioned the apology, my loved ones said that it is no longer necessary.  Not only that, she’s now married and she has a daughter.  I don’t want to disturb her quiet life.  Now, I admit that I apologized only for my own share of mistakes that I committed.  I didn’t apologize for ALL THAT HAD HAPPENED.  Why?  Because the truth is this: it’s both our fault.  I mentioned it in the previous paragraph.  Am I being bitter in all of this?  No.  Unfortunately, the apology was taken wrongly as an “explanation”.  Maybe she wanted me to apologize FULLY.  It can be done actually, for peace and quiet’s sake, but I decided not to do it.    I can’t apologize for the things that she did to me.  I may have said this many times, but hypothetically, that relationship may not have been a tragedy if she just followed the things that I have said.  However, she wanted to handle the relationship HER way, not OUR way (please, some of you may, “I should have handled it GOD’s way;    I only consider myself PARTLY responsible in all of this.  Why not?  Most, if not all, of her hardships in our relationship is the by-product of her decisions.  In fact, I disagreed with some of them, but she insisted. 

 

She’s so unforgiving.  She had not forgiven me as of this writing.  She was a control freak in our relationship.  My family didn’t hear anything from me regarding this.  How come it will be my fault ENTIRELY when in the majority of our relationships, I allowed myself to be controlled by her?  Therefore, she is partly responsible.  Until now, this is my position.  Misery loves company?  First, my current life is better than before.  Second, it’s not me wanting to blame others totally; it’s her blaming me in MOST, if not ALL the wrong things that happened to our relationship.   She said that real apologies are done in person.  She was right, but after all the things that she did to me, looks like it’s already too much.  She stepped upon me more than enough.  She CAPITALIZED and EXAGGERATED what I did wrong, but she minimized and rationalized her own shares of mistakes, sometimes even denying them.  She is not a martyr during our relationship.  Call me proud, but imagine, asking forgiveness to someone who not only will not forgive, but also will CAPITALIZE on your offense by saying dirty words to you?  I have done my part.  I wish I could have done it better than writing, but I think it will do more harm than good on my part.  What she will do and say after this apology, I believe, is all hers, not mine.

 

She was treated well by my family despite their initial dislike to her.  It is not hypocrisy; it is decency and being Christian enough.  I’m urging her to attend some outings whenever her coworkers are inviting her.  It is her who didn’t.  I’ll not mention the details of my family’s good deeds.  Despite this, she’s unforgiving, not only to me but also to those that didn’t act in her favor.  She has no sense of accountability.  I did the PUBLIC apology ALONE.  ALONE.  In an act of cruelty, she implied that my public apology is not enough since according to her, I didn’t have premarital sex with my church, but to her.  She even added that I deserved to be hurt.  Actually, when she said just that, I felt that a personal apology is no longer needed.  Indeed, there are people that don’t deserve your time anymore.  This is not hate.  This is reality. After all what she recently said, it’s no longer appropriate for me to apologize.  In fact, it is more appropriate for her to apologize to me.  Since day one of my dis-fellowship, it was apparent that she wanted more than my apology.  However, I will no longer force it.  Maybe she loved me less right from the start.  After all, if she loved me, then it will never be hard for her to admit her own share of mistakes.  Ultimately, I felt more relieved when I apologized to her even if the outcome is not what I wanted.  I don’t know why.

Friday, May 31, 2013

The May Chronicle (Part 5)


Am I at fault?  Yes.  First, I committed what the Bible calls fornication or in modern term premarital sex, which the Bible told that a Christian must flee or avoid.  I had a choice not to put myself in a situation that it will be in the inevitable.  Is the dis-fellowshipped SOLELY my fault?  Even today, I will say that it is PARTLY my fault.  Why partly instead of entirely?  There are circumstances in which I really, really tried to settle.  I told her how to behave in our church.  I told her how to interact with people that you don’t like.  She didn’t do it.  Yes, she is doing it sometimes, when it is becoming very obvious (not reasons like insecurities, but again, I’ll not use them as an excuse.  Am I being unrepentant for saying that? NO.  After all, I knew in details of what I did wrong.  I accepted the hurriedly made disciplinary action.  I understood them for that.  After all, in my opinion, human as we are and divine as God’s church is, there’s no perfectly executed church discipline.  Yes, churches are equipped because they are familiar with Bible chapters like Matthew 18 and 1 Corinthians 5.  However, other factor kicks in.  Another factor to consider is the style of church governance.  In a Congregationalist system of church governance, voices or sectors are usually divided into the following: the single men, the single ladies, the married ladies, and the married men.  Nowadays, another sector is rising: the semi or full feminist.  Name it.  When they saw a woman is in distress, they will side with her and fight for her. How the discussion goes depends on who are the most influential.  In the case of semi-Congregationalist churches, these sectors are still significant, but this time, the leadership of the few decides.  In a “theocratic setting”, this time, the Pastor decides. 

 

Even in this theocratic setting, the Pastor also takes into consideration the dynamics of the sectors.  Ultimately, he will also consider the offended party’s side.  Brethren, please take me wrong in saying all of this.  Whether we admit or not, our judgment is affected not totally in light of the Scriptures, but partly of the behavioral dynamics of our own church.  Sometimes, we call this discernment.    This, in my opinion, is the reason why my dis-fellowship status was extended for almost two years.  I was never angry or rebellious.  I accept this as a reality.  I see my Pastor as an ordinary person doing extraordinary works, doing a God-ordained church discipline.  Unfortunately, human as we are, there are really loopholes on how we execute it.  Instead of Biblical, it is partly becoming political.  I believe that these are all hard for him and also for my ex’s pastor.  We don’t want to hit sectors, or we are afraid these significant sectors will go out of the church because justice, they might say, is not served.  In my case, we wanted to have a form of justice to be given to the offended family.  In other words, we need a sacrificial lamb.  Did I accept the disciplinary actions that were to me? Yes.  In fact, even when I eventually got married to the lady, the disciplinary action became retroactive: I’ll not get married.  Not to mention that my youth leader’s traditional exit tribute or what our church calls “Ecclesiastes” were.  People usually say that if a person truly accepts the verdict and/or punishment, he will not speak and shut his mouth.  However, it’s not the issue of what I feel; it’s the issue of accepting and not putting a stop on those retroactive disciplinary actions.  Am I being rebellious in all of this?  No. Witnesses can attest that I never hindered any church related work.  Of course, there are usual disagreements on certain decisions, just like any regular church member (unless you don’t care), but generally speaking, I practiced loyalty, not by label or political alliance, but by affections. 

Thursday, May 30, 2013

The May Chronicle (Part 4)


I went back to Manila few days after the ecclesiastically-used shot gun marriage proposal (no offense and hurt feeling on the church; I’m just laying down the situation).  My mother gave this wonderful piece of advice: stick to your intended original plan (which, back then was one year from that date).  She added that if the woman really loved you for who you are, she will understand the exact situation.  (Besides, personally, I don’t want to have a civil wedding followed after church wedding.  I want a church wedding or a Pastor officiated wedding ONLY).  I texted her that.  Obviously, she got angry and told her mother about it.  Her mother threatened that she will go to my church that very day to tell my Pastor about it.  I was hurt and devastated.  Outsiders will understand that what they are doing are understandable, and I was wrong in saying so.  That’s another point against them lacking accountability; they used, again, unwritten rules.  I gave up my optimism.  I felt that this is ALL HER, no room for ME.  I thought that an offer of marriage will change her attitude.  They became too pragmatic.  They wanted to be so sure.  Wait, after all the hardships that I went through because of her selfishness and controlling attitude, I am the one who will adjust again?  I gave up.  I asked for my Mom’s help.  I didn’t show up both on her and also at the church; I went into hiding.  For outsiders, this is a classic, “a guy have sex with a girl, then left her”.  No way!  Now, the reason why I hide is this: it was a one-way traffic.  She is not as helpless as a typical soap opera hero.  She is not the timid, submitting type.  She’s the assertive, competitive type.  In fact, she ALWAYS WINS even if deep down, I don’t really care if she wins or not.  I’ll tell time and time again that it is both OUR fault.  Besides, she always had proven time and time that she’s tougher and more assertive than I am.  I agree.  Now, why is she acting helpless when she’s tougher and more assertive and had proven that over and over in our relationship?  Why did they bad mouthed my family when they never did that to them in the first place?  Why did they scandalize my life when I really, really tried to keep this as private as possible?  Yes, that’s all part of the consequence that I must accept, BUT not because a person is used as a vessel of consequence does it mean that the person who was used is already spared from one.        

 

 

The church dis-fellowshipped me.  I don’t know when exactly; I just found out.  They did the inevitable.  They dis-fellowshipped me.  Defenseless.   That doesn’t end there.  She spread the news that we were living in.  (What a categorical lie!)  Even when I was restored in the fellowship, despite having a new girlfriend then (now my wife), the disciplinary became retroactive; no marriage in the church auditorium.  Our marriage will be held outside that auditorium and into the church gymnasium (we didn’t get married in the church property.  Good thing that I and my now-wife never intended to get married there in the first place, not because of any negative feelings, but for the convenience of both our relatives, who are both coming from South Luzon).  Not only that, I was not given the traditional exit tribute usually being done to former youth leaders. (The argument is that it is not a former youth leader’s right to be given that TRADITION, but a privilege.  Point accepted.  Now, therefore, it depends upon their discretions on who will have such exit tribute.  I didn’t push that one).  The dis-fellowship, the way I saw it, was intended for a year, but it didn’t happen.  When the church is planning to restore me a year after, they asked for her side if they want me restored.  Obviously, they said no.  To put it specifically, her mother said NO.  From one year, it became almost 3 years!  In all of those times, I prayed, I constantly asked and plead.  I wanted to be cuffed and sentenced, but they don’t want, saying that I have no proof of repentance (marriage).  For the mean time, I attended a church in all of those almost 3 years.  Because of their understanding and trust on me, I decided not to put them in all these details. 

 

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

The May Chronicle (Part 3)


I admit that our relationship became physically hurting.  NO, I NEVER SLAPPED OR PUNCHED HER.  Yes, I pulled her…but because her behavior is becoming scandalous.  In other words, I literally pulled her out of the scene.  Oh well, maybe the ideal thing to do is just leave her cold much to her embarrassment, but, like I said, she has leverage.  She was psychologically and emotionally hurting me.  I allowed myself to be controlled by her.  I was controlled even to the point of convincing me to resign to teaching, my first love.  My preparation is teaching.  I got the job. Yes, not paying well, but sure is the job that I was prepared and was good in that.  When I resigned into teaching and went to our family business, the controlling becomes more apparent, as she usually calls up to go with her in this and that or I “needed” to be with her. 

 

 

After more than 2 years, I decided to give up the relationship, upon my Mom’s advice.  My plan is to mention it to her Pastor and his wife of my decision I m.  By the way, remember what I told you on making me look like a mean person in the eyes of her friends and even my church mates? It’s true.  I have that in mind.  However, the plan backfired.  She cried and revealed the fornication.  Her pastor, wanting to do it orderly and in the system (He’s a good, humble servant of God) brought these things to my Pastor.  The decision?  Marry the person plus public apology plus public apology.  My plea to solve this privately was not heard.  Yes, it was heard, but my Pastor persuaded me that it is better to do a public apology confession than do it.    In all of this, she did not want to face the crowd for a public apology and confession.  This is one of the indicators that she doesn’t have any sense of accountability even if she had a part in all of this.  We did the act consensually together, why shall I receive ALL the beating?  Still, in all of this, I retained my optimism.  I decided to go on this indirect shot gun marriage.  This is definitely a shotgun wedding; the only difference is that there is a church and the house rules were used as the shotguns. I thought things will go smoothly now that I agreed on marriage.  Unfortunately, not only did they.  Okay, outsider’s viewpoint will definitely say that they have the right to be very assertive.  It’s their daughter that was hurt.  Yes, “hurt”.  I agree with that outsider’s viewpoint.  This is a clever way of using the unwritten rules of society.  That’s also another example of dodging partial accountability and partial blame: she and her family used few informal logical fallacies (knowingly? Unknowingly? Subliminally?  I don’t know): appeal to poverty, and appeal to weakness.  It became worse than I imagined.  She and her family really dominated the decision making.  They asked for the wedding date; financially all by myself and with them draining my resources for quite some time (through their daughter’s pleading), I gave them 7 months because of drained resources.  They disagreed angrily.  THEY WANTED THE WEDDING IN 2 WEEKS!  They, especially his father, argue that since we enjoyed the deed, we must accept the consequence.   I never argued to him, although I can answer him by this: then let your daughter also suffer if we BOTH enjoyed it.  Still, I never argued, he had this notion that her daughter was helpless.

Monday, May 27, 2013

The May Chronicle (Part 2)

Why I clung in all this for two years?  Two reasons: belief that she will eventually change and something happened between us.  What about the second one that I mentioned?  I’ll not give the circumstances in details, but the thing is this: WE committed pre-marital sex.  I’ll never justify myself using sob stories.  That one is so wrong, BUT the act is consensual.  BOTH of us WILLFULLY did it.  Too bad that’s all I can say.  Being raised and is an active Christian youth leader then, I have no peace of mind in all of this.  However, this kind of sin is like a chain, especially if the other party does not share your concern.  Normally, it is a welcome idea that the other party is not giving up, but in my case, she’s not giving up, yet she doesn’t want to give up certain things, but she wanted to give up things.  It’s a one way traffic.  She depicted me as a jealous type, but life events will tell you that it’s the other way around.  I verbally said that I wanted it over, but she put the “experience” as leverage.  “Leave me, I’ll tell your Pastor”.  It then became blackmail.  To those in the fundamental circle or in hyper fundamental circle, you somehow have an idea: “you did it, marry the person. 





If you don’t want to marry the person, you’ll be dis-fellowshipped.  That is only form of repentance acceptable in case like this.”  In our church, dis-fellowshipped means that you will not be a ‘part of the body”.  The exaggerated term is that you are kicked out of that church.  If you happened to be seen by them, there’s a high chance that you’ll not be greeted deliberately because.  Because of this possibility or near-inevitability, Being a private person, but I didn’t lose hope in that relationship.  “Things will go fine.  These are all trials.  She will eventually change.  Maybe it’s all ENTIRELY my fault.  Because of this, I will just change for the better.”  That was my mind set.   However, as days go by, she becomes meaner and meaner.  Just like any decent person, I wanted the misunderstandings as private as possible.  IT IS NOT HYPOCRISY; I just tried to be as decent as possible.  Unfortunately, I was not given the kind of decency.  She will make it appear that we’re “at war”.   Like a typical boyfriend, I wanted to end the day, with our misunderstandings settled or just have the decency not to make it appear that we are not on good terms if the problem or conflict can’t be solved in one day.  In order to do that, usually, I just leave her boarding house to avoid further fights…only to be provoked by her going to the place where I have my usual activities (church usually).  There, she’ll make it appear that we are “at war”.  She’ll not talk to me.  She’ll have that sarcastic stare.  You know the church atmosphere; they feel it.  Actually, back then, I felt that she will not stop until I am provoked or got so angry.  I somehow proved it many times.  Here’s an example: one time, I told her that I’ll be very busy at the youth event that I could not accommodate her during the event itself (not before the event).  I told her this 2 to 3 times days before the event itself, much to her annoyance because she finds it repetitive.  Suddenly, a day or two before the event, she asked if I can fetch her an hour before the event.  She even strongly suggested me that I can be late in the event itself, which I disagreed for obvious reason (I was one of the organizers).   Looking back, I think she willfully didn’t understand what I am talking about.  Not accommodating means that I can’t also fetch her (the Tagalog term I used is “maaasikaso”.  It means more than accommodation; it means to go to details like fetching and stuff).  Besides, when I told her that, she should have given me a room for understanding.  After all, we’re seeing each other every day, to the point of me going home at around 10pm or 11pm.  Over the phone, she got angry, and didn’t talk to me.  I tried soothing her but I can’t.  She’s too strong; she acts like a martyr when in crowd, but literally, I suffered the beating.   Even during those events, as one of the organizers, she did what is deemed.  This is all because WE committed fornication.  She made a fool out of me.  She used that sin of ours (not only mine, but ours), putting as solely my fault for her to do things that she wanted.  There are times that she will cry because she’s too tired of me.  However, I am very much willing to give it up, but what is the price?  Her blackmail plus her tears that will break any sincere Pastor’s heart!  Unknown to them, however, she somehow has no regard to certain authority figures.  It is evident on how she is so angry at my Youth Director (my immediate boss) on ending the Youth Leader’s meeting at around 10 or 11.  All the good deeds and sacrifices that I made and also her cruel mistakes to me are eventually covered…PLAINLY BECAUSE WE COMMITTED FORNICATION.  This is her leverage.