Tuesday, April 28, 2009

clashing views

I decided not to talk to someone for the mean time. Why? It all started when I started to share to her my past experience (to those who are regular readers of this blogsite, you know what I am talking about). She questioned if I truly loved my ex-girlfriend because if really did, I will marry her, not leave her. She added that my real mistake is that I didn’t have the guts (or balls) to stick to her. She also indirectly said that I am a coward for leaving my ex. I started to say my side why I made those decisions. She said that ALL OF THOSE are just excuses. She begins to mention things like, “it’s rare to find men who is firm”. Actually, if you’re there, you’ll agree to almost all the things that she’s mentioning. However, what caught my ire is her high expectations on men, BUT, stated that women should be tolerated if she acts certain ways. She said that women SHOULD BE UNDERSTOOD because women just are just emotional by nature (maybe those are not exact words). By the way, she also said that I should forgive myself. Actually, at first glance, it is true. However, looking it closely, it’s quite wrong, because it only involves me. The right one is this: we (me and my ex-girlfriend) should forgive each other (she has her own share of mistakes why these things happen) and our own selves. She also said that the reason why I’m angry by what she’s saying is because I’m guilty (I’ll answer this one at the latter part, so please read ALL).
The best part? According to her, she’s not angry when she said those stuffs to me. She’s effortlessly blunt in mentioning those stuffs, which I find scary. At the end, I told her how ordinary she is. Why “ordinary”? I call her “ordinary” because her view is so narrow minded (pre-marital = mandatory marriage or else, you’re automatically a coward).
Because of that, I decided not to talk to her. Why? Maybe I’m quite sensitive on this. Maybe she’s just speaking her mind out. Still though, her principle, I think, may eventually affect our friendship. Her principle is quite sexist, favoring her own womankind.
Oh well, eventually, I will talk to her. That’s life: we have different views. Maybe her view just hit my own view, clashing viewpoints as some call it. (My view on relationship is that it is an “US” thing, not an “I” thing. When breakups happen, there should be no blaming. There should be no “whose fault is it?” line. In relationship, it takes two to tango. If it didn’t work out, it’s BOTH your fault. Thus, there should be no pointing of fingers to guy and guy ALONE. No, I’m not being a misogynist. No breakups have valid reasons, if it truly has, no tears will shed. Thus, when breakups do happen, there should be no blaming. My view is no matter how foolish your ex bf/gf, no vengeance should be made. Vengeance or getting even maybe normal thing, but it is still dead wrong!)
Eventually, I will talk to her, and make the first move. In my life’s history, it’s quite rare that someone make a first move. Usually, it is I who make the first move at the end. God had taught me and transformed me as a person who apologizes first, who makes the first move, etc. I may have some pride in me, but I’m not too proud to snub and be indifferent. When the time comes that I made the first move and she is still bitter, I will respect that.
I know this is no big deal to most of you, guys and gals. Maybe I’m just tired of scenario where guys get all the blaming in a consensual thing called relationship. In the environment where I am situated, that’s the case. Guys get all the blaming.
Don’t worry, I’ll be back in my old resilient, forgiving self in a nick of time. Hope you learned something today.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

it's a "WE" thing ya know

Have you encountered or heard or seen this scenario?

A couple (be it married or unmarried) that you know split up. Then, someone will ask, “Who initiated the breakup?” Then, another one will answer, “The girl/guy initiated the breakup”. Afterwards, the reaction is, “Oh, that GUY!” (regardless of whether the guy or the girl initiated the breakup).

In an ordinary, stereotypical conversation, most of the time guys are blamed for the breakups, even if the girl did the breakup. In fact, I even heard this story that made my being male cry “Foul”:

A guy is madly in love with her girl. However, the girl, despite being in a relationship, still entertains suitors. Worse than that, she never hides her admiration with other men to her boyfriend (I can’t recall if she’s dating other guys despite being in a relationship, but let’s not assume that way. I’ll try to state it as I recall it). The girl compliments other guys more than he compliments his guy. The guy have suspicions that she’s dating other men, which, as far as I recall the story. Because of this, the guy entered into another relationship. Then, the girl created a scandal outside the premises of the guy’s school by crying out loud. Not only that, the thing became known to the guy’s classmates and friends. (In my opinion, what’s wrong with the girl is she is still dating despite in a relationship [unless you have prior arrangements]. Not only that, she didn’t boost up his guy. Girls, men by nature are egoistic. It’s a big thing for a man that he receives morale boost from her lady.)

Who was blamed in ALL this? The guy.

I admit, I wanted to cry “Foul” when I heard those stories. It’s like automatic. When breakup happens, the guys get the blaming, the girls get the tapping or the sympathy, and it’s automatic. Especially if you’re in the church setting, the trend is like this. Don’t get me wrong. I am saddened by breakups. Leaving a relationship because of another woman is also wrong.

My point is this: relationships are a “we” thing, not an “I” thing. Relationship is a TWO-WAY PROCESS. It must be GIVE-AND-TAKE of BOTH parties. Often times, I hear that when you’re in a relationship, your success is your partner’s success also. When you fail, your partner MUST sympathize with you. Then, why when things turn nasty (like breakups) we usually blame only one person, and it is usually the male specie? Then, the guy will have his reasons, usually, ALL THOSE REASONS ARE UNACCEPTABLE. Forgive me, girls, but usually (not all or else you’ll react), you’ll resort to your emotional nature why you do things (spreading the word, publicizing a guy’s negative sides), while men (I’m saying men who don’t treat women like toys or objects) suffer in silence because, after all, all his reasons are unacceptable anyway? Often times, when breakups happen, when girls initiate the breakup, they’ll ask the guy, “why did she break you up?”. I know this will sound unconventional: when guy breaks up with girl, end of the story, even if the person asks “why”.

If you believe that the relationship is a “WE” thing instead of an “I” or “ONLY YOU” thing, blaming it on the guy ALONE is dead wrong. VICE VERSA. Face it. Breakups happen…sometimes even to the seemingly happiest couples. When this happens, instead of blaming, let’s be saddened. If you know the guy or the girl, be a friend to him (I didn’t say date him/her, I said be a friend to him/her).

No, I’m not condoning heartbreakers. I’m not condoning Casanovas. I’m against domestic violence. I’m against men treating women like objects. All I’m saying is that when a relationship ends, it still should be a “we”. I didn’t say that you also blame yourself if the guy left you (though you must admit that you also did your part, but don’t self-pity). What I’m saying is that if a relationship ends, as much as possible, there should be no blaming on one party alone. Like I said before, a relationship is a “WE” thing, not an “I” or “YOU ALONE” thing. As much as possible, keep the breakups private (unless you’re a celebrity, you can’t avoid publicity) as possible. When someone asks, answer. Go ahead. Cry on someone else’s shoulders. However, try to retain your composure. By the way, for goodness’ sake, don’t scandalize your ex-partner, even if you’re a woman. After all, if the guy really did something wrong, he will surely EVEN. Besides, ladies, have you asked yourself are you that perfect to “get even” with the person that broke your heart? The mere fact that a guy wants it private is enough evidence that the guy still has a shadow of respect in you...and for himself. Besides, the world is still a better place to live because of forgiving people. I personally admire single moms for not raising their kids to hate their father (my Mom and my girlfriend’s mother is one of them).

More of this next time. Girls, please don’t beat me for saying this.