Monday, March 30, 2009

Dear God

Dear God,
Thank you very much for the sunshine that radiate on my face. Thank you for a breakfast that I ate this morning. Thank you very much for all the blessings that I have received from you. For 15 years in the ministry, I have seen how You blessed my life. Time and time again, You vindicate me at times that I need to be vindicated. I don’t care anymore if people who dislike ever notice those vindications, but it is truly there anyway.
Thank you also for the corrections that I also receive. It only shows that I am your son; I am saved. I’m sorry if at first I don’t understand. Even right from the start, I know that You allowed that dark secret to be revealed to the public for me to avoid doing that sin again and again. I know that temporary excommunication is the best solution for me to truly learn my lesson. You know how I tried and succeed on some levels to embrace that reality. After all, even if there came a point in my life that I need to rest from 2006-2008 from the Old Church, Your grace is still there. I’m sorry for “abusing that grace” (as a theologian that I converse with once said). I may have my negative emotions, but I never harbored any ill feelings on You. After all, I committed sin, thus, You need to chasten me. You know that it will never help me if I’ll stop attending a local church. You provided a temporary local church that I can attend for the mean time. You gave me a temporary Pastor who understands my situation...that all I need are encouragements. It didn’t stop there. You talk to my temporary Pastor to give me a Youth Ministry, and You didn’t stop there. You gave me supportive youth members. They may not be at par with other Baptist churches when it comes to youth ministry (talents, good looks [hehehehe]), but their being supportive is awesome. Another thing that I ignored before is the temporary church’s location: it’s very private. Since there’s no coincidence, I believe that God really puts me in a very low profile church for me to recover emotionally and spiritually. They may not be the best Baptist youngsters out there, but I learn to love them. I believe that You did all this, not only because of Your grace, but because You really know what happen. You know what I really did wrong. Thus, You know what “treatment” You’ll give me.
Now that I’m finally back, Lord God, all I’m requesting for is strengthen me more. Like your son David, give me the character of self-encouragement. Many times, I felt so alone in this church that You put me. It’s discouraging. Your omniscience can tell that I tried and make several moves to initiate friendly conversations. There are some successes (and I pray that You bless those people), and I thank You for touching those people.
Recently, Lord God, someone dug an old skeleton from the grave. My blogs, being the alleged culprit, are put into question. Lord God, you know that I tried and made moves to leave my past behind. The other side, I DO BELIEVE, also wants to leave the past behind. I don’t know who did who this time. I don’t know the source and I don’t bother anymore. "After all, You have forgiven me the way you forgave countless people, thus, my only best option is to leave it all behind me. I forgive the digger (I will no longer exert effort to know who said who. I forgave him/her)". I believe that any move away from that quoted sentence is purely bitterness, and I don’t want bitterness to rule my walk. I’m sad and at the same time puzzled by this recent event. Still though, THE PAST IS BEHIND ME. WHAT MATTER IS NOW! Any past and currents sins I ask Your forgiveness. This I pray in Christ’s name. Amen.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

To my fellow graduates...

Last Saturday, March 21, I am officially a graduate of Philippine Normal University. Technically, I am considered graduate last May 2008 (as my transcripts say so). I opted to formalize my graduating by marching.
The commencement speaker was Senator Manuel A. Roxas II or Mar Roxas for short. The Senator is still good looking in his 50’s.
However, unlike my graduation in Adamson, I didn’t finish the ceremonies, because Mom and Amie wanted to go out. After all, it’s getting late (the graduation started around 4 or 4:30PM, and, aside from PNU President Atty. Lutgardo Barbo’s introduction, Senator Roxas’ speech, the valedictory address, the 1000+ names of the graduates will be called. Just imagine how long will it take). I admit though that the graduation is not as exciting as my last graduation back in Adamson. The positive side is that I graduated in PNU’s graduate program.
Some of my classmates are not finished yet with their graduate studies. Others stopped for one reason or another. Others are still awaiting comprehensive exam results. Others failed their comprehensive exam twice and is awaiting to enroll the Thesis course (just like Amie). I’m one of the youngest who graduated in my batch (under the graduate program); I am 28 years old. Those facts alone are enough reason to be thankful to God that He allowed me to graduate.
Mom, Amie, and I ate in a hotel. I don’t like the food that much. On a positive note, it’s not the food; it’s the company of my Mom and Amie that I like at that time.
I really thank God for giving me this blessing of graduating in a graduate program. Why not? After all, looking back in my undergraduate years, I never expected to enter graduate school (I just want a Bachelor’s degree). Looking back in my basic education years, I am not competitive as a student. I don’t compete for grades. While other students rush to our teacher to complain in their score in Values Education, I just sit at my chair and just do my things. Looking back in my elementary years, I was that hyperactive child. When I found out about ADHD in my later years as a student and its symptons, I assumed that I have one. One teacher described me having “my own world” (I’m not offended by that). My social skills are awful (sometimes, I still doubt that it improved significantly). Despite that, I graduated with a graduate degree. I call that grace of God. Yes, I did my part. However, God is the One Who helps me and allows me to graduate.
To the graduates out there: congratulations! Unemployment is inevitable, but hey, let’s be optimistic that things will be just fine. After all, optimism is free.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

My persecutor...now my admirer?!

Modesty aside, I got information that someone have a crush on me…in the Old Church. No, I didn’t ask. It was told to me. As a respect, I didn’t ask who the person is. However, as weeks go by, the curious me figure it out. Still, I didn’t figure out who the person is (well, because the one who told me gave me a wrong piece of information. Thus, wrong information means wrong conclusions). Then, one relentlessly told me who the person is. When I found out who the person is, I was surprised. No, she’s not ugly. She’s one of the prettiest faces in the Old Church. In fact, she’s prettier these days. No, not her. No way. Yes, yes, I’m not the best looking guy, not even in the Old Church. I admit that I’m quite difficult to handle, especially if you’re ego-driven, have superiority complex, traits similar to that.
Now, when I found out that it was her, it was a mixed emotion. I am surprised. Surprised because when I used to be a youth leader I can’t even strike a conversation with her because of her “walled” personality (if someone already “tore down the wall”, good. I don’t have time chasing people, especially if you’re no longer a teenager). I laughed because after all the things that she said to me two to three years ago…she had a crush on me NOW? Ultimately, it hit me again: memories.
During my excommunication years, she’s the one who bluntly said to me, “make a public apology first before you call me ‘sister’.” (Man, how about what she did years ago? It was GRACEFUL EXIT. If you’re diligent enough, read my blogs. You’ll know why she’s given graceful exit). A year after, I confronted her regarding this, that it’s not the Biblical way to treat an excommunicated person. You know what? She responded by saying, “…past is past. PERIOD…” Thanks for the encouragement, SISTER. Yeah, yeah, those who know her and close her MAY dismiss that attitude as “childish/immature/naïve” (Nice. I just wish there will be people inside the Old Church who can also defend me and “sugar coat” me). Give me a real break!
Now fast forward 2009. I got that news. No, don’t get me wrong. I appreciate compliments. I myself am generous with smiles and compliments. It’s just that I find it funny. Why? Let’s rewind. I can still recall when I gave her flowers on her birthday as a friendly gift. A youth member later told me that she just gave my gift to another single lady, ALL OF THE FLOWERS. I just told the youth member to ignore that. Still though, her action gave a lasting impression. From that point on, I didn’t bother to give her gifts. Another one, I asked her humorously what is my positive trait as a youth leader, she answered bluntly, “NONE”, then, she laughed. Then, 2008, I was excommunicated. Maybe blame it in her being childish? Her being “naïve”? Envy is a sin, but I committed it anyway. She’s a college graduate for crying out loud.
On a lighter note, I wonder why that girl has a crush on me. We’re not even striking a serious conversation (serious meaning quite lengthy, a piece of you was left in her vice versa, I know you understand what I’m trying to say here).
What shall I do with that? Nothing. What shall I do to her? Of course, I will not take advantage. I don’t like doing that. Besides, I don’t want another scandal. After all, no one will sugar coat for me. What shall I do to her then? Still the same old banana: be a nice guy to her, just like I do to other girls in the Old Church. However, when people ask me about her, I will not hesitate to answer, but I know that will never happen. BASED ON MY EXPERIENCE, ONLY FEW OLD CHURCH PEOPLE DARE ASK ME QUESTIONS REGARDING MYSELF.
That girl is pretty. I just hope and pray that she may realize some things. I maybe childish, but I try to listen and improve. I hope and pray she does the same. Not all the time there will people who will defend and sugar coat her to others.
Fellow brethren, forgive me for speaking these words today.