Wednesday, April 15, 2009

it's a "WE" thing ya know

Have you encountered or heard or seen this scenario?

A couple (be it married or unmarried) that you know split up. Then, someone will ask, “Who initiated the breakup?” Then, another one will answer, “The girl/guy initiated the breakup”. Afterwards, the reaction is, “Oh, that GUY!” (regardless of whether the guy or the girl initiated the breakup).

In an ordinary, stereotypical conversation, most of the time guys are blamed for the breakups, even if the girl did the breakup. In fact, I even heard this story that made my being male cry “Foul”:

A guy is madly in love with her girl. However, the girl, despite being in a relationship, still entertains suitors. Worse than that, she never hides her admiration with other men to her boyfriend (I can’t recall if she’s dating other guys despite being in a relationship, but let’s not assume that way. I’ll try to state it as I recall it). The girl compliments other guys more than he compliments his guy. The guy have suspicions that she’s dating other men, which, as far as I recall the story. Because of this, the guy entered into another relationship. Then, the girl created a scandal outside the premises of the guy’s school by crying out loud. Not only that, the thing became known to the guy’s classmates and friends. (In my opinion, what’s wrong with the girl is she is still dating despite in a relationship [unless you have prior arrangements]. Not only that, she didn’t boost up his guy. Girls, men by nature are egoistic. It’s a big thing for a man that he receives morale boost from her lady.)

Who was blamed in ALL this? The guy.

I admit, I wanted to cry “Foul” when I heard those stories. It’s like automatic. When breakup happens, the guys get the blaming, the girls get the tapping or the sympathy, and it’s automatic. Especially if you’re in the church setting, the trend is like this. Don’t get me wrong. I am saddened by breakups. Leaving a relationship because of another woman is also wrong.

My point is this: relationships are a “we” thing, not an “I” thing. Relationship is a TWO-WAY PROCESS. It must be GIVE-AND-TAKE of BOTH parties. Often times, I hear that when you’re in a relationship, your success is your partner’s success also. When you fail, your partner MUST sympathize with you. Then, why when things turn nasty (like breakups) we usually blame only one person, and it is usually the male specie? Then, the guy will have his reasons, usually, ALL THOSE REASONS ARE UNACCEPTABLE. Forgive me, girls, but usually (not all or else you’ll react), you’ll resort to your emotional nature why you do things (spreading the word, publicizing a guy’s negative sides), while men (I’m saying men who don’t treat women like toys or objects) suffer in silence because, after all, all his reasons are unacceptable anyway? Often times, when breakups happen, when girls initiate the breakup, they’ll ask the guy, “why did she break you up?”. I know this will sound unconventional: when guy breaks up with girl, end of the story, even if the person asks “why”.

If you believe that the relationship is a “WE” thing instead of an “I” or “ONLY YOU” thing, blaming it on the guy ALONE is dead wrong. VICE VERSA. Face it. Breakups happen…sometimes even to the seemingly happiest couples. When this happens, instead of blaming, let’s be saddened. If you know the guy or the girl, be a friend to him (I didn’t say date him/her, I said be a friend to him/her).

No, I’m not condoning heartbreakers. I’m not condoning Casanovas. I’m against domestic violence. I’m against men treating women like objects. All I’m saying is that when a relationship ends, it still should be a “we”. I didn’t say that you also blame yourself if the guy left you (though you must admit that you also did your part, but don’t self-pity). What I’m saying is that if a relationship ends, as much as possible, there should be no blaming on one party alone. Like I said before, a relationship is a “WE” thing, not an “I” or “YOU ALONE” thing. As much as possible, keep the breakups private (unless you’re a celebrity, you can’t avoid publicity) as possible. When someone asks, answer. Go ahead. Cry on someone else’s shoulders. However, try to retain your composure. By the way, for goodness’ sake, don’t scandalize your ex-partner, even if you’re a woman. After all, if the guy really did something wrong, he will surely EVEN. Besides, ladies, have you asked yourself are you that perfect to “get even” with the person that broke your heart? The mere fact that a guy wants it private is enough evidence that the guy still has a shadow of respect in you...and for himself. Besides, the world is still a better place to live because of forgiving people. I personally admire single moms for not raising their kids to hate their father (my Mom and my girlfriend’s mother is one of them).

More of this next time. Girls, please don’t beat me for saying this.

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