Monday, May 12, 2008

Less Hate, More Care

I have realized lately that I have deprived myself in a significant manner. When I was in the Old Church, I have turned down out-of-town trips with Mom and Big bro just because I’ll rehearse with the youngsters, or there is a major church event. Now, I see to it that I will not deprive myself of this. No, I will still prioritize God’s work. However, this time, when Mom and Big Bro invite to go out-of-town, I will answer a resounding, “YES!” It’s their turn to spend my time and energy with them. After all, when the Old Church gave me that “disciplinary action”, no Old Church friends came and made a way to talk to me, and encourage me. So, who are they to rebuke me, and even question if I’ll go out-of-town this time (I’ll say this if I’m finally allowed to go back to the Old Church)? Besides, Mom and Big bro never questioned my church activities back in the Old Church. This time, I think they deserve company courtesy of Mom’s youngest son and Big bro’s little bro.

I have many plans after graduate school. No, I will not immediately go to Law School. I might even discard Law school or any other further education. I am starting to experience burnouts in the graduate school. Maybe I’m just tired from student life. Thus, I gave myself a “one year trial leave from school”. During this time, I’m planning to practice playing guitar and flute. I know how to play them, but I still need a lot of practice to perform them on stage. In my spare time, my hobbies will be crossword, math problems, poetry, and drawing comic strips. Now, maybe you’ll think this is still a busy one if I’ll do it all. Who says I will do them all in one day? I’ll make schedule for this one, all around 6pm onwards. Why crossword and math? I want a hobby that will stimulate my brain. Why comic strips? It’s the artist side of me. Why guitar and flute? Aside for art, mainly it is because the New Church, just like the Old Church, shuns “minus one”. Singing must be accompanied with live instruments, not recorded ones. So, practicing guitar means not disturbing a brother’s or sister’s time to accompany me while I sing. Why poetry? I notice that I can do poetry, so what not do it? Besides, one piece a week will do. Wait, did I mention I’m planning to work out again? However, I’ll take it slow this time because it’s been 5 months since the last time I went to the gym. Still though, I know these are all plans subject to change. It’s still up to God where, how, and when.

I want to bring back the “good finding” attitude in the Youth Ministry that I’m leading. I admit that the optimistic in me was drained because of the recent events in our ministry that led to its 2-week suspension. I have heard many fault findings right and left to the point that I myself had been bitter, and, well, fault finding? “Everything rises and falls on leadership” as the famous Baptist preacher said while he’s still alive. Yes, the Youth ministry had experienced its downside, but hey, it’s not yet the end of the world. Besides, if this present world ends, those who truly experienced the real born again experience will experience Rapture. There is an old song entitled “Count Your Blessings”. So what if my youth members are only 25 in number? So what if our Program is not the best even in the Baptist circles in Quezon City? God will take care of the results of the Youth Ministry. God gives the increase, as Apostle Paul said. Am I sounding preachy? Nope. I just want to boost up myself. Self pity and anger will just give me some chest pains and headaches. So what if the Old Church doesn’t want me back or is afraid to bring me back (because of the other party) or whatever reason it is why I’m not yet allowed to go back? Then, I’ll just spend my time, talent, and energy in this ministry full of potentials. After all, to tell you honestly, I really have no idea what the Old Church leaders is doing to my case. In addition, I have no idea what the other party’s (my ex-girlfriend and her mother) recent feeling towards me (if they have forgiven me or not). Why will I assume negative things this time around? If the other party’s still out there planning stuff to ruin my life (together with their blind sympathizers [I call them blind because they don’t know what they put themselves into]), I trust God to take care of my life, my family, my family’s business. If the other party’s up to something bad or really bad to me, it will come back to haunt them. To some of the Old Church Youth Leaders, youngsters, single ladies who treated me wrong (even if it’s consequence of my actions…sin begets sin), like I said, God will take care of them. After all, I don’t know if they have the character to admit their sins and wrong doings PUBLICLY. Besides, most of them haven’t experienced to have a physical brother who committed this type of sin. They never understood what I have experienced. Thus, I don’t care with what they think about me (this is the time that that italicized sentence is applicable: when you have been nice to people and these same people still thought you otherwise). Like I said, all of those assumptions will just give me headaches and chest pains

I want to throw all the hate and bitterness. No, I didn’t say that I lie in my post in the things that I have shared. Yes, the encounters that I’m sharing in this post are true, but most of the time, it’s all in the attitude. I have heard someone said that sometimes, it’s not the people around me that should change; it’s MY mindset that I should change. Besides, optimism brings energy, pessimism drains you of it. About those people who gave me the hurt, the headache, the heartache, well, God will take care of them (how many times have I said that?). I committed a terrible sin in the eyes of God and in the eyes of men. However, God forgave me (He forgave my past, present, and future sins) and I have sincerely asked Him forgiveness). I believed His promise of forgiveness to every one who asks for it. So, I must also forgive myself. Let go of the hate.

Less hate, more care, more love. After all, life is too short to be bitter.

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