Friday, January 25, 2008

My Insecurities

One breakfast morning, Mom and I are talking about any topic under the sun. From weddings, annulments, legal separations, church activities (you see how random it is). Then, a particular set of topics really caught me very serious: about what type of girls I like and other stuff relating to dealing with the opposite sex.

I told my Mom that the old church can not also blame me that much why I made wrong moves and choices in my previous relationship (though I acknowledge at the end that I’m accountable with my decisions and my choices).

When I was still a youth leader in the old church, the youth director then (now pastor of a church) will humorously pair an eligible youth leader guy to either an eligible youth leader girl. Guess what? This may sound that I’m an “onion skinned”/sensitive, but he never paired me with someone. In fact, that same youth director (now a pastor) doesn’t pair me with anyone. I can’t forget what he said to me: “You’re hard to be paired with someone.” He also added (I don’t know if that is the same occasion or in another occasion), “The best girl for you is the one who can understand you.” Yes, in a relationship, understanding is one of the keys. However, I felt that he said it because I’m difficult to be understood. Like the girl will need tons of understanding to love me...to like me. I admit that I’m quite eccentric. However, my tolerance with people is high (it is proven with how I handled a mean girl for two years). Maybe I’m difficult to be understood because I’m always misunderstood. However, despite of what the old church people did to me, I UNDERSTOOD them (can they do the same? I doubt. Unless when they’re challenged, they will not do so). Still though, despite of that good youth director’s quite offensive “truths” (Maybe it’s a reflection of the way the old church single ladies’ taste), I kept my mouth shut. I thought that tolerance will pay off someday; it didn’t. If I have discerned it right away, I should have told him, “Yes, I’m a difficult person, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m not nice and kind. I maybe weird, but I’m not mean, nasty, narrow minded, unaccommodating, VERY men pleasing” I remember that youth director’s joke years ago in front of other youth leaders, “Don’t laugh; you left your girlfriend (my girlfriend before that nasty one).” (By the way, I admit that I’m the one who broke up with the girl. Yes, there are tears, but we talked about it).

Then, I remember when I decided to have a relationship with a girl, that youth director disagreed. I remember saying, “no one will like me after all”. He said, “You’re wrong.” He mentioned an old church youngster. I didn’t answer back; it will just lead to an argument.

I admit that my insecurity level went up. Imagine, other guys my age with the same status I have no sweat. I felt at that time that no girls IN THE OLD CHURCH will understand me. What’s the worst part? They often pair me up with “ugly ones” (okay, don’t get me wrong on this. I don’t judge people based on their looks. However, I bet if you’ll do it to them, they’ll be surely offended. Face it. Good looks still have a factor. I have many answers regarding this, but it will be lengthy).

I admit, I wanted to say that the old church have also a share why I made wrong choices when it comes to relationship. I remember almost liking a single parent (MOM LIKES HER BY THE WAY), but what did they do? They discouraged me, including that good youth director. When I broke her heart because I gave false hopes to her, these youth leaders, including that good youth director, gave me a “round table conference”. Guess who she got married? A Baptist preacher! How judgmental they are to that lady. How dare they are! My insecurity level went up because they made me felt that no lady in the old church will like me the way I am (You know what? I will like a girl for who she is….if they will not appreciate me for who I am, fine). Okay, don’t get me wrong. Being paired up is a joke, and I’m fairly a good sport on that. However, imagine that there are pairing of youth leaders and left only YOU out? Now that’s a joke, man. Just imagine that an old church single lady will introduce her lady visitor in almost all of the male youth leaders, EXCEPT you? Now that’s a joke. Imagine that you were tagged a playboy though they didn’t know what really happened. Imagine tagging you a playboy ONLY because you have LADY VISITORS? Imagine you were only complimented for being friendly when you’re a gone. Now, that’s a punch line.

Now that’s quite a release. Thank you guys and gals for understanding. Don’t worry. I’m finer now.

Someone made me realize and remember that a believer’s insecurity should be surrendered to God. A believer’s security should be God. Psalms 23 said that. Yes, I am a misunderstood fellow even if made an effort to make myself more understandable. Yes, I’m quite eccentric. However, I don’t care anymore even if all of the old church single ladies will not like a person like me. I know who I really am. I am special not because of who I am, but what God can do to me. He is IMPROVING me as days go by. God made me and saved me for a purpose. To those people calling themselves Christians/believers/Baptists, be it ladies or gentlemen, be it in the old church, if you’ll not appreciate me for who I am, so be it. To some of the old church youth leaders and single ladies out there, thank you very much for your treatment. It only made me mature, tougher, and wiser. Thank you very much for your misjudgment. It revealed what you are only capable. Thank you very much. Your misjudgment served and is still serving as a challenge for me to be a better person.

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