Friday, October 12, 2007

Bloody post...bring a glass of water with you...

A married lady from the old church saw me, together with AC (my big brother) and two cousins (PB and Erika) and a distant relative, somewhere near my workplace in Malabon. We saw each other in a fast food store. It was a brief chat, due for the fact that we are on a separate queue. She greeted Kuya first, then I greeted her. She was a bit surprised to see me.

The brief conversation went in this similar manner:

Married Lady: Hey what’s up? I thought you’ll go back (in the old church), we are waiting for you.

Me: Ah okay. Oh well, someone is putting me on hold. Hehehehe.

Married Lady: Ows?

Me: Yes ma’am.

Then, after I took my order, a distant relative mentioned his order at the order.

The married lady is one of the old church people that still greet me (she usually greets me first) every time she sees me. Honestly, when the lady asked that question, deep inside I wanted to burst out. She asked me, “I thought you’ll go back (in the old church), we are waiting for you.” I know it is a harmless question on her part.

However, there are few assumptions why the question is like that:

1) Majority of the old church people thought that I DON’T WANT TO GO BACK TO THE OLD CHURCH SO THAT I’LL HAVE MY PUBLIC CONFESSION AND APOLOGY.

2) There are people who think that PRIDE IS THE REASON WHY I DON’T WANT TO GO BACK.

3) Majority of the old church people didn’t know the reason why I DON’T WANT TO GO BACK.

4) Majority of the old church people (particularly the young people) didn’t know that IT IS VERY WRONG THAT I DON’T WANT TO GO BACK. FORGIVE MY ATTENTION ON BETWEEN THE LINES, THE PROPER TERM IS, “I CAN NOT GO BACK” EVEN IF I WANTED TO (to sum it up, the old church Pastor himself told me that I should “lie low”, that it is NOT YET TIME for me to go back because he found out that my ex-girlfriend is not ready to forgive me and she’s not ready for me to go back. According to my ex’s mother, she said if she got married MAYBE she can finally forgive me).

Honestly, I find it quite irritating why the pressure is still on me. Oh well, that is the consequence of what I did in the past. However, I just can’t help that I’m irritated when the pressure is being put on me regarding this matter.

At times, I think in this manner:

How many times will I ask God for forgiveness (or is it the Devil who is making me feel this pressure…yes, the question quite rhetorical)? When will the old church people, particularly the young people, especially the youth leaders during the time it happened, open their eyes that they really don’t know the whole truth yet, even the reason why I am not allowed to go back? Or does the truth prevail only if someone has gathered significant influences? Well, maybe the truth prevails, but it will not be known to many (so that people will be smitten by the truth right in their faces, showing they are dead wrong, just like what Nehemiah’s detractors experienced). Maybe the truth prevails, but it will just whisper. Looking back at my stint in the old church, I should have not have widened my tolerance to a brethren’s wrong doing. I should have been rough on those young people who are not going to the church because of a petty reason. After all, the old church folks (particularly young people) will not greet me anyway if I did something wrong.

Still, I know that way of thinking is wrong. It is very un-Christian.

I admit that I want to confront my ex and say to her face, “Are you happy now? I’m still considered banned and kicked out because you are putting a hold on me. Are you happy now? I did you wrong, but you also did me wrong things long before these things happened? Why is your hatred so deep? You’re still deaf and blind, or just plain playing dumb why I left you. Even at this point, you still want to control, to put me on your grip. I’m trying to have a sense of peace, but why you’re disturbing it by questioning my attendance in a Youth Conference? You put two Friendster comments. Nicely written, but hey, why don’t you say to the old church Pastor those same kind words about me? I heard you’re not ready to forgive me yet. Besides, you questioned your own pastor why I attended a Youth Convention? You said it is unfair. Besides, are you fair? I suffered what I did PUBLICLY. How about you? Did you suffer publicly? Is your reputation ruined? Who is the one who suffered because of shame and ruined name? Not really you, ME. The hard part, is that I did my best for you. I loved you in that 2 year relationship, you gripped me on the neck. I gave almost all, but you still cursed me like I didn’t do any good. Then, you’ll ask why I did that? Are you very stupid when hit with something true but so scheming when concocting something against someone? God knows what really happened. God knows what I did wrong and what YOU did wrong, girl. You know why my hatred is like this? Hatred will only stop if YOU will stop the hate. After all, you hatred is way too far. I tried to stop to conquer this hatred that I have, but time and time again, you are making me remember it by what you’re throwing against me. Stop the lying and manipulating and controlling. Let God alone work on this one.”

I’m not lying. I don’t lie in my own blog. Besides, no one from the old church knows this site. No one even from the new church knows this site. Only two people whom I know personally know this site, and both are not connected with both churches.

I’m sorry for the harsh words in this post. I’m hurt. If only that married lady know that I am not allowed to go back yet even if I wanted to. Oh well, at the end of the day, God will take care of this.

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