Mom talked to me and AC in a heart-to-heart matter. She asked both of us if we wanted to stay in the company or if we want to go to other career of our choice. She said that if we’ll move to another career, she is willing to support us (Mom always allowed us to decide for ourselves). AC answered a strong, “Yes.” According to him, he’s just having problems because he thinks that he looks an idiot. My bro’s quite a perfectionist if you’ll ask (No wonder he’s a band bassist.). As for me, I answered in a soft manner. If you are familiar with Herzberg’s two-factor theory, I’m not motivated in my work place, I am satisfied with my job.
Honestly, I’m not happy with my work. The reason why I’m keeping this job is because Mom has only 2 sons (I’m the youngest one). Many times, people around me, even in the church (be it in that old church in Caloocan City) “envy” our status, wishing that they want to have what we have. Don’t get me wrong: I’m very grateful for the blessings God have given and is giving to our family. (When I was in the old church, I have a feeling that most people just befriend me because of what I have, not because of who I am). However, life is more than possessions.
Still though, I never told Mom the truth that I’m not happy. No, it’s not because Mom will not like it. She said that she’ll support our plans in life. I didn’t tell the truth because I was a failure. Last year, I made a terrible mistake. My plan is to break up with her, but because of her manipulative way, halos napikot ako. I made a terrible mistake of loving the right kind of love to a wrong person (I heard that she has a boyfriend. I hope that she has changed. No more controlling and manipulating). Mom went to hospital because of this. AC developed an unknown allergy due to stress related to this. I was never afraid of her threats. Because of this mistake, Mom and AC were affected, negatively.
Fast forward today, the reason why I never told my Mom the truth is because I felt that I’m not credible enough to decide for our own. I addition, AC, my two uncles, two cousins will convince me to change my mind when I had it my way. Don’t get me wrong. I understand them. Besides, I don’t want the people to put the blame on me (again) if something happen to our company (“Ian didn’t help their family business, that’s why…”/“What kind of son and brother is that? Dalawa na nga lang silang magkapatid, Tatlo na nga lang silang magtutulungan, hindi pa niya ginawa”.)
Time and time again, I have sacrificed my own feeling and happiness for the sake of others. That’s why I’m hurt when I was kicked out in the old church. I sacrificed even my own opinion, my own feelings for the sake of the Youth Ministry in that old church. Just recently, there is a girl that I’m falling in love to. Because she’s not a Baptist, I have no choice. The friendship will always be there, but it doesn’t go beyond that (and it hurts). Now, I’m not happy with my work. However, because of the circumstances mentioned, I didn’t follow what I wanted. No, I was not forced by anyone to do so. I just don’t want my Mom and AC to have headaches because of another blunder (makes me hate my ex again; now, I don’t have the guts to be independent because I failed them through her).
I will leave this one open ended.