Saturday, September 29, 2007

Sacrifices

Mom talked to me and AC in a heart-to-heart matter. She asked both of us if we wanted to stay in the company or if we want to go to other career of our choice. She said that if we’ll move to another career, she is willing to support us (Mom always allowed us to decide for ourselves). AC answered a strong, “Yes.” According to him, he’s just having problems because he thinks that he looks an idiot. My bro’s quite a perfectionist if you’ll ask (No wonder he’s a band bassist.). As for me, I answered in a soft manner. If you are familiar with Herzberg’s two-factor theory, I’m not motivated in my work place, I am satisfied with my job.

Honestly, I’m not happy with my work. The reason why I’m keeping this job is because Mom has only 2 sons (I’m the youngest one). Many times, people around me, even in the church (be it in that old church in Caloocan City) “envy” our status, wishing that they want to have what we have. Don’t get me wrong: I’m very grateful for the blessings God have given and is giving to our family. (When I was in the old church, I have a feeling that most people just befriend me because of what I have, not because of who I am). However, life is more than possessions.

Still though, I never told Mom the truth that I’m not happy. No, it’s not because Mom will not like it. She said that she’ll support our plans in life. I didn’t tell the truth because I was a failure. Last year, I made a terrible mistake. My plan is to break up with her, but because of her manipulative way, halos napikot ako. I made a terrible mistake of loving the right kind of love to a wrong person (I heard that she has a boyfriend. I hope that she has changed. No more controlling and manipulating). Mom went to hospital because of this. AC developed an unknown allergy due to stress related to this. I was never afraid of her threats. Because of this mistake, Mom and AC were affected, negatively.

Fast forward today, the reason why I never told my Mom the truth is because I felt that I’m not credible enough to decide for our own. I addition, AC, my two uncles, two cousins will convince me to change my mind when I had it my way. Don’t get me wrong. I understand them. Besides, I don’t want the people to put the blame on me (again) if something happen to our company (“Ian didn’t help their family business, that’s why…”/“What kind of son and brother is that? Dalawa na nga lang silang magkapatid, Tatlo na nga lang silang magtutulungan, hindi pa niya ginawa”.)

Time and time again, I have sacrificed my own feeling and happiness for the sake of others. That’s why I’m hurt when I was kicked out in the old church. I sacrificed even my own opinion, my own feelings for the sake of the Youth Ministry in that old church. Just recently, there is a girl that I’m falling in love to. Because she’s not a Baptist, I have no choice. The friendship will always be there, but it doesn’t go beyond that (and it hurts). Now, I’m not happy with my work. However, because of the circumstances mentioned, I didn’t follow what I wanted. No, I was not forced by anyone to do so. I just don’t want my Mom and AC to have headaches because of another blunder (makes me hate my ex again; now, I don’t have the guts to be independent because I failed them through her).

I will leave this one open ended.

1 comment:

camery said...

Hi,

:) Yours may sound like a bit harder than what I experienced. But its more or less the same when reduced to the simplest form...

You know what I did... I trusted the one who knows best... GOD...

He did answer my prayer in a way I never expected it to be. I just surrendered everything to him and said let Your will be done, not mine nor theirs. He knows best... I thought God was just scriptures and all but he does answer prayers... May talk to you in many ways... :) just be sensitive to His voice.

Second, find what makes you happy. Your mom wants you to be happy thats why he is askin you where u are happy. Dont mind what other people may think or say. It is not important. No matter what you will do you will never be able to please everyone. Find your passion and get out of your comfort zones. You only have one life to live and God has entrusted that to you not to please anybody but to please HIM.

: ) I am glad to hear you are a youth leader. It is a tough JOB but with God's staff by your side you can do it. Just forgive of anyone who has done you wrong... It is hard... but through Him everything is possible.

For your lovelife, pray for her... Pray for whoever God has destinied for you ... though you may not have met her yet. God will let your paths meet in HIS time when the two of you are ready.

In some ways what you experience now may be a blessing... Everything is ... The reasons for that you will know in His time...
A gold has to be placed in extreme tempreture and fire to separate

God bless you

Camery